Emotional Incontinence

Why did we evolve to have emotions?

Some emotions are clearly protective of us and have helped us to survive over the millions of years of our evolution; the most obvious one is fear which fires all our emergency buttons, puts our entire body on red-alert, and helps us to escape from a dangerous situation. Indeed, every possible emotion in the right context is extremely helpful, even ones we might consider a hindrance in normal day-to-day activities. Consider obsessive compulsive behavior; I would certainly be happy for my airline pilot to check the plane twenty times over before my next trans-Atlantic flight and would be quite reassured by that behavior. However, if he had been awake all night checking that his bedroom windows were closed and was therefore likely to fall asleep while in the cockpit, then his obsessive-compulsion would be worrying and counter-productive. Every emotion we can experience, in the appropriate setting, is helpful and the challenge is to have the right emotion for the right situation.

Let’s look at some examples.

 Anxiety

If you have an examination coming soon, a driving test, or a speech to be made in public, you will certainly have some anxieties when you think about it. And this anxiety serves a very useful purpose as it tells us to make preparations for the forthcoming event. However, when we have made every reasonable preparation, study, rehearsal, etc, then the anxiety has done its job; wouldn’t it be nice at this point to say: “Thank you Anxiety, I don’t need you any more – over and out!”

Obviously the very same applies to tension, frets and worry; find out their purpose, act upon it, then switch it off!

Guilt

The feeling of guilt comes when we have done something wrong; maybe we have physically or emotionally hurt someone or behaved in a way that made us look foolish. Guilt usually means that we have let ourselves down in some way.

However:

  1. Was it really our fault; were we actually to blame?
  2. If we were to blame, have we learned from what we did and resolved not to do the same again?
  3. If it was our fault, have we made our best effort to make amends? If the deed requires punishment, have we had enough punishment?

When thinking about the issue of guilt, a useful question to ask is:

“If this had happened to my own son or daughter, and they felt awful about it, what would I say to them? How much would you allow your own child to beat themselves up after a transgression?”

Regretting

Everyone has chunks of their past they would like to scratch from the record, where things didn’t work out as we had hoped. Often we re-visit these bad memories and go through the anguish of re-experiencing them over and over again. How unhelpful is that! Here are some rules on dealing with painful memories from the past:

  1. Have we learned everything we can from that episode?
  2. If so, then why re-visit these painful memories? Why go back and bomb the poppy-fields when the battles are over and done with?
  3. Remember that: “The moving finger writes and having writ moves on, nor all thy piety nor grace shall lure it back to cancel half a line, nor all thy tears wash out one single trace”. (Omar Khayyam)
  4. The rule is to shoot for Acceptance of the Past.

Anger

Should you ever – god forbid – be in a circumstance where a violent response is the only possible option (e.g. a burglar in your home threatening violence, a street attack) then just think how wonderful that precious feeling of anger could be; you will feel no fear, no pain, your blood pressure will raise, your heart will beat more rapidly and you will be best equipped to deal with that physical emergency. Contrast that with the anger you feel when watching the international news and see the brutality and stupidity of governments and terrorists or even when you are flashed by a speed camera for going slightly above the speed limit; here you have no-one to fight, your high blood pressure and bodily crisis hurts no-one but yourself! Sure when you watch the atrocities of a particular government you may opt to never buy their goods again or when “flashed” for speeding you may resolve to drive more slowly, but what then? What to do with the ‘useless’ anger?

The answer is to just let it go; it is solving no purpose now whatsoever.

Lack of Confidence

Often in a challenging environment, we can feel pretty small, useless and overwhelmed. Yet in that same situation we might notice someone else who seems to breeze in, bursting with confidence and cope a lot better. Yet have a good look at that other person; are they really and truly any better than you? Are they better equipped to deal with that situation? Yet they will deal with the situation better simply because of their self confidence. Answer: steal the behavior that works best and you be self-confident and believe in yourself.

The above is a list of “Negative Emotions” which, in the wrong context are always disabling and counter – productive and are best snuffed out. It is truly odd that we are all – to a greater or lesser extent – “victim” to whatever emotion our irrational, subconscious mind elects to foist upon us.

Can you imagine driving along in your car where the gears were chosen irrationally and at random by some unseen force; don’t live your life like that, but try to chose the right emotion for the task in hand!

I have made a CD at the request of many patients who benefitted from Hypnosis/Relaxation sessions. The idea is that in a relaxed frame of mind, the ideas discussed above can take root so that you can have the right emotion for the situation at hand and reject those that make you feel awful and damage your ability to deal with the here and the now.

The CD is free (just send me your address by e-mail) and play it when you will not be disturbed; stay focused on your goals and just let the ideas wash over you!

Good Luck!

 

Bernard Shevlin  b.shevlin02@gmail.com