Principles of Parenting

Principles of Parenting

Being a parent is far, far harder and also far, far more rewarding than you could ever have guessed! It is also bedevilled with guilt: Am I being too strict or too lenient with him? Do I give him too much or too little attention? Am I pushing him too hard or not hard enough?

What follows is a highly condensed version of some of the best parenting advice I’ve come across over the last 45+ years in medicine to try and help you deal with some of these tricky areas. The sources are varied – from world class paediatric psychiatrists, other GPs, hospital doctors, other parents and children and of course my own mistakes (three of them)!

My guess is that, by the fact that you are reading this, you are a real Top Parent; please believe me that your best is more than good enough!

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  1. The Principle of limits. Your child should have a very clear idea of what is expected of him and of the totally predictable (and consistently applied) consequences of what happens when he transgresses these limits. Power struggles and heated threats (often difficult to enforce anyway) are usually unproductive; anger at the child is far better replaced by disappointment at his behavior. i.e. it is his behavior, not the child himself which is at fault. In some cases with sensitive children, this parental disappointment might be enough ‘punishment’ in itself!
  2. The Principle of Consistency. When ‘punishments’ need to be employed, they should be proportionate and totally consistently applied. e.g. withdrawal of a minor privilege for a small misdemeanor, whereas a major transgression might lead to him being ‘sent to his room’. This does not undermine the concept of the vagueness of a punishment threat for bad behavior which is usually best left uncertain (“There will be consequences”).
  3. The Principle of Rights. Both children and their parent have their rights and responsibilities. e.g. the child has a right to be fed, but mum is not running a 24 hour MacDonald’s, and if the child refuses to eat his meal, he will have to wait for the next scheduled mealtime:  children cannot be forced to sleep, but they should not be allowed to disrupt the whole house in their wakefulness.
  4. The Principle of Adaptation. Generally try to adapt the environment to suit your child rather than vice-versa. e.g. a highly energized child may find it impossible to sit down for a meal at a restaurant, but cope reasonably with a picnic. Some children learn far better ‘hands-on’ – by actually doing things – rather than ‘book-learnin’.
  5. The Principle of appropriate Rewards. Wherever possible try to alter behavior by rewarding the good things your child does rather than punishing the bad; rewards should be targeted at the good behavior rather than the outcome. e.g. “We were so proud of how hard you tried” rather than “We were so proud that you came top of the class.” Encouragement to “do your best” rather than “always come top” should reduce the fear of failure which can disempower many bright children.
  6. The principle of separation of the bad behavior from the child’s identity. When criticizing something the child has done, direct your remarks at the child’s behavior, not the child himself e.g. “you let yourself down by doing that” or “we expect better behavior from our treasured son”; this is made more powerful by establishing the child as an important and valued part of the team with such verbalisations as “What do you think we should buy your father for his birthday” or “where shall we plant these sunflower seeds?”
  7. The principle of adult pleasure; ‘If you are always on duty you get trigger happy’. Adults need time off from parenting duties!  Children too need “time off” in non – competitive free-wheeling play, sometimes on their own with no threats and no competition.
  8. The principle of guiding by example. e.g. a child whose parents are conscientious and hard-working will probably be the same.
  9. The Principle of Quality time together! There are loads of examples here, but a special plea for the bed-time story; ‘to teach children a love of books is a wonderful launch-pad for their further education.’ Children remember the “shared fun” they had with their parents, rather than the expensive outings. e.g. my own kids remember the cheap camping holidays, or when their father gave them plums and custard for breakfast or when setting off on holiday they discovered the source of the bad smell in the car (it was some kippers I’d left in the glove compartment).
  10. The principle of honesty. Answer their questions honestly, even about matters such as death; protecting children from reality is misleading and does not prepare them for the future. To put the ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ angle on things is helpful. e.g. your hamster has died but he is not in any pain and is in peace:  you have wrecked your bicycle, but you are uninjured and we can always save up and get another one.
  11. If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell the child that you don’t know the answer; otherwise he will expect that as an adult he should know everything and could feel like he is a failure! Also ‘not knowing something’ is a wonderful segue to exploring together to find the answer.
  12. The principle of optimizing peer pressure. Your child will be massively influenced by the children of his age and his interactions with them. Do make sure you know who they are and that they are “suitable”; if possible make sure that your house is a welcoming place so you get to know them all…. even if they trash the house occasionally, it is a price well worth paying! This is such a serious issue that I know several parents who have changed the child’s school to achieve a more suitable group of friends!

And finally:

Always have time to answer the child’s worries and concerns; he must know that he is totally and unconditionally loved and a vital member of the family.

Bernard Shevlin GP  b.shevlin02@gmail.com

www.medicalmasterclass.com    www.bernardshevlin.com

P.S. Comments and suggestions from parents, teachers and children (!) are always appreciated and will be incorporated in this handout when next re-written; I expect this leaflet to be continually modified as ideas and tips are contributed!